Get Yourself a Rob

When I was 18 years old I found myself in quite the pickle. I was about a month away from graduating high school and I had no idea what my next move in life was. Most of my friends already knew where they were going to college, what job they were going to be working, or where their first big trip abroad was going to be. For me, however, I had no idea what life would look like just a few months from that time.

What didn’t help in this time of uncertainty was the ego I had as an 18 year old boy. As someone who had developed the need to EARN everyone’s love and affection, my ego convinced me that whatever my next move was...it had to be seen as “worthy”. When I was in high school, I placed my identity on being part of the basketball team and getting good grades. The good grades landed me a couple academic scholarships to some State schools in California, but that wasn’t “cool enough” for my ego to be my next move. It seemed like my only option was to cling to being a basketball player, however the problem was I wasn’t very good. To be completely honest, I wasn’t good at all.

My main sport growing up was hockey, and I didn’t play basketball seriously to any degree until late in middle school. When it came time for freshman summer basketball tryouts, I was far behind in terms of skill from my peers. At 15 years old I could hardly dribble with my left hand and a left handed layup legitimately had a 50-50 chance at going in. My jumpshot wasn’t any better as I shot the ball pretty much using both hands, and making two shots in a row was secretly worthy of a celebration. I wish I could tell you that the lack of skill was my only deficit, but at that time I stood a whole 5’2 and weighed a whopping 120 pounds (maybe). The odds were definitely stacked against me, but thankfully I tried real hard and was a good defender. That alone was enough to allow me to make the team as a freshman and sophomore, and then make the jump to varsity my junior and senior year. By that time I had grown to about 5’10 and 160 pounds…(maybe). However, the increase in stature didn’t have too much effect on my game as I ended my senior year averaging 4.3 points and 2.3 rebounds per game. I wasn’t even a starter on the team and it was safe to say that zero colleges would want me.

So now that you have some context...this was my reality when I made the decision to cling to being a basketball player and to pursue playing in college. My ego was clearly calling the shots to make this kind of decision. It was crazy of me. I knew it, my friends knew it, my own mother even knew it. I do not hold this against my mom at all anymore, but she had to look out for my best interests by telling me I was making a mistake not taking academic scholarships in order to pursue basketball. Some choice words were exchanged between the two of us, but in the end I decided to take the “me vs. the world” approach. The only problem was I didn’t realize how difficult and lonely that approach could be.

As I kept on training and working out after the high school season finished, it was clear for all my peers to see that I believed I could continue to play in college. None of my peers felt the same way haha. Once again, I couldn’t blame them. There were a number of guys on the team that were much better than me who wouldn’t even consider trying to keep the hoop dream alive in college. It was almost offensive to the sport that I thought I could accomplish playing at the next level when I couldn’t even make a solid contribution on the high school team. Some friends would make snarky comments about it, some would be quiet, but nobody expressed any real belief that I could do it. I was actually embarrassed to share that I was pursuing playing in college for a little and just kept it to myself at times. However, there was ONE person that really encouraged me through this decision. He actually ended up becoming one of the most significant encouragers in my life even to this day. At the time, he was probably the most unlikely person to encourage me...but God really works in funny ways.

The one person who encouraged me is now one of my best friends, and his name is Rob. Rob was two grades ahead of me in high school and was actually in the same grade as my older brother. Rob was a stud athlete and was a crucial player on the varsity basketball team when I came in as a freshman. Rob and I really didn’t have any sort of relationship throughout my 4 years of high school besides the fact that we were both in the basketball program and sometimes ended up at the same parties. That being said, he was never not nice to me and he would always say my last name in a funny way whenever he saw me (a joke for the upperclassmen in the basketball program).

I actually only ended up developing a relationship with Rob because we both hung out with a mutual friend after I graduated from high school. At first we would only hang out as a group, but as time went on we began to hang out one on one. It then progressed into hanging out almost everyday. I would crash on his couch multiple times a week and it was clear to see we had an effortless friendship. Rob eventually figured out that I was trying to continue to play basketball, and would always offer to rebound for me so long as he got to play a little bit too. Having that companion was HUGE for me. The fact that someone was involved in this process for me showed me that I wasn’t 100 percent crazy...maybe 99 percent, but not 100.

One night, Rob and I went to the gym to play king of the hill. King of the hill is when you play 1 on 1 from 3 different spots on the court, usually with 3 or more people rotating offense to defense as each one scores. The mutual friend that led to Rob and I becoming friends joined us that night. He was the best of the group by far and was playing at a local division II school at the time. Rob was clearly the only one in the gym that this guy would consider formidable to him by any standard. However, it was the nature of the game that we would all go against each other throughout the night. The mutual friend won the majority of the games, but what really got to me that night was the way it would irritate him if I did anything good. If he missed a shot while I was guarding him it usually led to him telling himself how much he sucked because it was “Caelan playing defense”. It was way worse if I happened to score against him haha. Long story short, this guy’s view of me really had a negative effect that night. I started questioning if I would ever be able to make any college team. I started asking myself if my mom and everyone else was right. I thought about where I would be in the next couple of months and it made me sick to my stomach. I kept the fact that I was trying to continue to play basketball to myself for this exact reason. I didn’t want to let people know I was trying to play because I thought that if enough people told me I couldn’t do it, then I would finally believe it for myself and would have no sense of identity. What made it worse was that I could no longer jump on those academic scholarships I once had. I was really going through it that night.

The one encouraging thing from that time in the gym was that Rob told our mutual friend to “shut up” one time as he was sounding off about how bad I was. Although I didn’t say anything when he actually said it, it was something that remained on my mind all night as the only positive thought amongst all the negative ones. Later on, Rob and I would have a conversation about how he stuck up for me. To be honest I can’t remember exactly what was said in that conversation, but I did take one important line from it. “Who am I to tell you that you can’t do something?”. In talking about how I didn’t appreciate the way I was treated that night, I probably asked Rob why he would even waste his time rebounding for me as much as he did. I loved this answer he gave. He didn’t sugarcoat anything or try to treat me gently. He didn’t hype me up or try to give me false hope. He just clearly stated that he was in no position to tell me what I could or couldn’t do. He truly believed that if someone wanted something bad enough then there was a possibility they could accomplish it if they put the work in.

Rob was being a true friend. Today he admits that he never thought I would have gone as far as I did with basketball, but he never ruled out the possibilities with his approach. Rob loved me for who I was and, as a true friend does, supported me even when nobody else would. If it wasn’t for Rob, I don’t think I would have been as persistent with basketball as I was. I would have missed out on so many life experiences that the game brought me and I am forever grateful to him for that reason. However, my journey with basketball doesn’t even come close to the real reason why I am so thankful for Rob. I am most thankful for Rob because he was the person who was there for me most intentionally when I started my healing journey with my mental health over a year ago. Rob is one of the biggest reasons I didn’t harm myself and why I aim to treat others with love and compassion today.

Since the end of high school until now, Rob and I have had one of those special friendships where it feels like we never stopped hanging out even though we maybe haven’t seen each other for an extended period of time. Rob is one of the most low maintenance friends I have ever had and I think there has been a sense of reliability that has been developed as a result for the both of us. I may not hear from Rob for months at a time, but when I really need someone for any reason...he is always at the top of my list. The cool thing is that he has never let me down and that has built the trust up even more. Throughout our friendship, I typically called upon Rob for standard things within a friendship. If I needed to borrow something, needed a ride, needed advice, or even just needed to vent...Rob has showed up every time. Over the years this has built a strong sense of confidence in our friendship. This confidence was put to the test when I found myself in the darkest place of my entire life just last year.

Rob was very aware of my declining mental state before I hit a sort of rock bottom. I would call Rob to vent about certain things during this time and he was always willing to listen. I have an incredible respect for Rob for his ability to genuinely listen. During this time in particular I was acting like a victim of all my circumstances and “woe is me” was the typical theme of our phone calls. Rob had every right to tell me to “shut up” or to put me in check. However, Rob could feel my hurt and confusion and he would just listen. He would gently give his own two cents to all my rants, he never encouraged or supported my whacked out mindsets, but he knew he was going to be most loving towards me by letting me feel heard. I think Rob saw I was headed down a bad path, I think he knew it was going to blow up in my face eventually, and I know for a fact that he knew he was going to be there for me through it all. Everyone learns what they need to at the right time and at their own pace, and Rob chose to be the best friend that he could possibly be through this learning process for myself.

The low point of my journey took place while I was living in Nebraska last June. I was in the midst of heartbreak. I was feeling incredible amounts of guilt, shame, anxiety, and depression. I once again found myself with no direction and I was very unsure of who I was. My identity crisis had returned and my feelings of being a failure were overwhelming. I told myself that this was my mess to take care of. I didn’t want to burden anyone anymore with my problems. I had hurt enough people and I didn’t even feel worthy of anyone’s time or attention. I was spending my days all alone in my apartment. I was hardly sleeping even though I was typically in bed past noon every day. I felt completely trapped. I was completely miserable and this was my first experience with suicidal thoughts in my life. At first I didn’t think much of the thoughts, but when they started to sound like the best option for my life...I was a little caught off guard. The thoughts scared me, but they also were fooling me into thinking that the end of my life would be beneficial for me and everyone else in the world.

When I look back on it, I think I was most drawn to the sense of control that suicide would give me. Everything felt so erratic in my life and that one aspect that I felt I could control was almost relieving. I found myself getting worse with these thoughts day by day. It became more clear as to “how” I would take my own life and I eventually decided I was going to do it. I left my house in the evening one day with the intention of following through with my plan. I clearly didn’t execute the plan well, but that brought an even bigger sense of failure to the picture. I wasn’t even good at ending my own life. I felt so pathetic. This was truly rock bottom. I pulled over. I pulled out my phone. I called Rob.

The phone call was very short. I called Rob and I told him that if he didn’t come out to Nebraska, I was convinced I would hurt myself. Rob was on the next flight out. I literally picked him up the following day. The next week Rob was just present with me. We read books, we watched movies, we went on walks, and he talked about anything I wanted to talk about. It ended up being a memorable week that we still talk about even today. I expressed to Rob that I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to address the issues that I had run from my entire life. Just like when I told him I wanted to play college basketball, Rob committed to helping me. Rob gave me book suggestions and he finally offered his real advice. Some of it was harsh, but I needed to hear it. Rob heard what I wanted to accomplish and he was going to do anything he had to do to help me get there.

Rob left back to California, and I ended up driving my car back from Nebraska the following week. Rob showed up to my house every morning the day after I got back to have coffee with grandma, and then to go exercise. I remember being incredibly fragile during this time. At any given moment I could randomly start crying. Due to this, I was only comfortable being around certain people, Rob being that preferred person. This man took on all of my burdens and all of my pain. He walked with me through my darkest time. He was there when things got better, and he was there when things would all of the sudden get worse. He helped me get all of my confusing thoughts under control. He was so dependable and I don’t think I can ever express the amount of gratitude I truly have for him. He might think otherwise, but he is the best person I know. Despite his own flaws and his own shortcomings, there really isn’t anybody that I look up to more than Rob. I used to think college basketball was an accomplishment that I could talk about in the future with pride and share about how it wouldn’t have happened without Rob. Now I look forward to the day when I can tell my children, my wife, and my entire family that I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for Rob. I wouldn’t aim to treat people the way I do without Rob, I wouldn’t be as bold, and I wouldn’t be as courageous if it wasn’t for Rob. Point of the story...get yourself a Rob.

In reference to navigating life, Brene Brown said that, “This journey belongs to no one but you; however, no one successfully goes it alone.” I couldn't agree more with this statement. Yes, there are things that need to be done solo. There are lessons to be learned and mistakes to be made that are only intended for you. However, a full life is only experienced and experienced well with companionship. I am so grateful to have someone like Rob in my life. He is legitimately part of my family, sometimes I think my mom and grandma might love him more than me haha. He knows everything about me. He knows of all my greatest accomplishments, and he knows about all of my darkest secrets. I find it to be one of the greatest joys in my life to be fully known, and yet still be fully loved and accepted.

My advice for anyone reading this would be to identify and cherish the “Rob” in your life. Someone who will listen, learn, walk, and grow with you unconditionally. Someone who you aren’t afraid to show your “ugly” too. Someone who you are also willing to have extreme patience and compassion for. Now let me be clear, Rob and I don’t always get along perfectly. We fight and get annoyed with each other just like all human beings do. However, it has been verbalized and it is known to both of our cores that we will ALWAYS be there for each other. It is non-negotiable. It is just the way the cookie crumbles and as I have said before, I couldn’t be more grateful.

Whether the pickle you find yourself in is dealing with unknown plans after high school or thoughts of ending your own life, having someone like Rob in your life is the best solution. I wanted to write this because a lot of people have expressed an admiration for the growth I have gone through the past year. That growth would have been stunted quickly if it wasn’t for Rob. My hope is that whoever reads this feels a little less hesitant to ask for help. In my opinion...it's simply part of the journey.

And that’s all I gotta say about that. (Forrest Gump voice)