If you read my last blog, you know I love my friend Rob. I love him so much that I accidentally ended up writing a NOVEL about how much he means to me and how important it is to have a person who fully knows you in the midst of a crisis. That being said, I do not have the energy this week (and maybe ever) to write something that long again haha. So this blog is going to be a little different. The last week has been an emotional roller coaster and I am going to talk about a lesson I have learned and the blessings it has brought.
Lesson: Sad days are not bad days
At times in my mental health journey, I found myself innocently slipping into a toxic habit. I was trying so hard to avoid negative emotions, that I would often lie to myself and others if I was experiencing them. “I’m fine”, “I’m being dramatic”, and the classic line of response in conversation of “I’m good, how are you?” were all part of the repertoire when it came to denying and avoiding my true feelings.
The hard part about the early stages of healing and experiencing good emotions after going through such a rough time is that you never want to experience negative emotions again. So much so that you deny they exist, or at least that is something I would do. I used to rebuke being sad, stressed, or any other negative emotion. I would go into a hyper-healing mindset and constantly try to convince myself of the positive aspect of every situation. It got to the point where it was exhausting. At times I would say that I was in full denial when it came to how I was doing mentally just because I wanted to be “good”. However, being “good” isn’t always an option and I eventually grew out of this habit and developed some daily structure that allowed me to be a little more compassionate and self-aware. However, like so many other things, once I got to a good place, I got a little overconfident and paid a little less attention. So this past week I had a couple of sad days and fell back into that old toxic habit. Unfortunately, I had been doing so well that I immediately declared to myself that these “sad days” were actually “bad days”. In my mind, I was clearly doing something wrong to be experiencing negative emotions that I thought I had fully outgrown.
I began to stress about being stressed. I got anxious about slight feelings of anxiety. Was I not meditating the right way? Was I not being present? Was I not praying enough? Was I using my time effectively, or was I wasting my days? Shoot. I’m wasting time right now thinking about these things. Can you see how toxic this cycle can be?
Luckily I was able to snap out of this and, to be honest, I am still actually a little sad. But I realized that is OKAY. Sadness is an emotion. Everyone experiences it. However, it falls on each of us individually with how we are going to respond. This time around, I felt my initial response was the most common response to negative emotions in our society today: bury it, don’t talk about it, it only exists if you allow it to. For me, this approach allowed the negative emotions to fester. I found myself irritable around the people I loved, I always felt a little unsettled, and I was having a hard time being grateful. I had an internal dilemma as someone who preaches authenticity and its benefits. I can talk all day about how genuine vulnerability can improve someone’s life, but here I was struggling to be real and honest with just myself. Thankfully this realization triggered something. I found myself encouraged to pursue communication with myself in the most authentic way possible.
A relationship didn’t work out...my hyper-healing mindset would lead me to tell myself, “There is purpose in everything and it just wasn’t meant to be”. This person is treating me unfairly even though I’m just trying to be kind...again I would tell myself, “This person is just confused. They don’t mean it. Love them”. Now, these things are all true, but I wasn’t necessarily being real with my present self.
So I gave myself a little breathing room for authenticity...and here is what I really felt. THAT SHIT SUCKED. Another heartache? That’s bullshit, Caelan. I am sorry you have to experience that again. Wait, he said what to you? Wow, he’s in the wrong Caelan. You did nothing to deserve that.
Now, this kind of speech had been foreign to me for a while, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good to acknowledge it this way. It felt good because it was REAL. I stopped skipping steps. Rather than jumping to the answer that I knew was “right”, I allowed myself to process and feel the emotions that were so heavily weighing on me. That being said, I didn’t sit with those emotional outbursts very long, but I did give them enough time to be felt and heard before moving to the next steps. Now my hyper-healing mindset of being loving and giving others the benefit of the doubt felt much easier to accept. I truly believe in that hyper-healing mindset, but now I was able to authentically pursue those thoughts in a way that honored the real hurt and pain that was experienced as well.
I believe that this kind of practice is helpful on a larger scale too. I know before I adopted this new mindset, I used to look at hyper-positive people as delusional or just plain weird. I couldn’t understand them just like I am sure some people don’t understand me now. And I realize that this is fair. No matter how positive or loving you are, there is a realness about the evil, ugliness, and injustice that lives in our world and that we all see on a daily basis. Now don’t let that make you less positive or loving, but also don’t let that limit you from being real with all those things. Murder, poverty, theft, injustice...the list goes on and on and you can easily get caught up in the negativity. But for the sake of being real, remember to count the blessings in your life to that list as well.
For me that list includes things like my health, family, friends, shelter...but it always ends with the fact that I believe and trust in God. For me, my journey with my mental health has strengthened my relationship with my Heavenly Father. The world is a lot to handle. Some weeks or even just some days can prove to be too much. The trick of it all is to learn to let go and to let it all be just as it is. In my daily life, I let it go into the hands of the One I trust knows what is best for me. He makes it easier to let go because He is working all things for our own good. Struggles, hardships, negative emotions, and much more are all meant to be for our betterment even if we are unable to see that in the present time. I know not everyone shares my same beliefs or faith, but the art of letting go is widely accepted in regards to mental wellness and for me, a relationship with God makes that easier.
When a day just isn’t going your way, acknowledge why that is. Sit with it and have compassion for yourself. However, as quickly as you can, realize that there is growth to be had in every hardship and adjust your perspective. Count all the things going against you and be real, but I urge you to add your blessings to that list as well. Whether the hardships are BIG and emotional, or they are just everyday inconveniences like encountering a rude person, getting cut off on the road, or getting a ticket…they are all temporary and better days lie ahead. I have said this before, but if you are reading this you are undefeated at waking up the next day. Don’t let a “sad day” be a “bad day”. Sad days are necessary and should be welcomed. They ultimately make the good days that much better.
In this crazy life that we all live there is affirmation in adversity. Adversity gives us the opportunity to throw an internal celebration for ourselves. When we encounter a hardship that would have once crippled us but now we can handle it in a healthy way, that is a miracle to be proud of. Don’t forget to recognize it and take pride in it.
When something fails in your life, it doesn’t make YOU a failure. If a relationship ends, if you failed a test, if you got fired, if you didn’t reach a certain standard you hold yourself to...it’s okay. The setting and rising sun provide a form of grace that is invaluable. Tomorrow is going to come no matter what, and you get to decide what to do with it. Pain is just the bat signal for growth. With awareness, we can recognize that and make the most of it.
And that’s all I gotta say about that. (Forrest Gump voice)
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