When someone sets out to intentionally heal, there will inevitably be ups and downs. With time and practice, you learn to not let the highs get you too high and you also learn that the lows take a good amount of grit just to get through. That being said, it has been a rough few months for your boy. However, I am grateful for the journey that led to this point because this season was not the same low feeling that once consumed my life and riddled me with anxiety and depression.
In this season I never found myself too low, but I was having the hardest time experiencing any joy. I kind of just felt as if I was floating through life. Not incredibly sad about anything, but also not feeling any amount of happiness. Life sort of went stale and in a way, that made things worse. So as a result...I clearly stopped writing on top of doing other activities that were once bringing me life. I felt kind of like a zombie even though life kept on moving at its normal pace. Actually, life was throwing me curveballs left and right, I was just emotionally numb to it all. I had an amazing job opportunity and worked as an associate producer on a YouTube Original show and then, out of nowhere, I was offered a contract to go overseas and make a return to professional basketball. Quite the weird time if you couldn’t tell. However, this “emotionally stale” feeling changed when I entered the Taiwanese quarantine that I had to endure in order to enter the country.
Now the funny thing about this quarantine was that I did not even give it the slightest bit of thought heading in. I was told it would be 14 days in a hotel room and for some reason, I thought it was going to be a piece of cake. I am not sure I have EVER been more wrong about anything in my life.
I remember growing up watching movies and almost laughing when I saw characters get put into solitary confinement. I would scoff at the thought of being in a room alone as major punishment. The walls looked soft and you wore a jacket that made you hug yourself, seems comfortable enough...right? WRONG. Solitary confinement is anything but comfortable. This is the closest illustration that I can make to this quarantine. Sure I had my phone and computer...but once my people went to sleep...it was just me, myself, and I alone on the other side of the world with no opportunity for human contact or even a little bit of sunshine. The worst part of this was that me, myself, and I are three of my most disliked people in the world. I always struggled with self-love and this quarantine really brought that flaw front and center.
You see it is very easy to hold yourself to certain standards, morals, and values when you have people watching. You talk the talk and because there are eyes on you, you are almost forced to walk the walk. However, when you are shut in a room 24 hours a day without that type of accountability, you start to see which values you are truly convicted about. You start to question if you act or think a certain way for yourself, or is it all part of a show that you maintain to hold to an image you put out on the gram? I started to question my true motives for healing, treating other people well, and even certain convictions about my Christianity. The self-love I thought I had found was put to the test, and I can tell you with certainty it was an excruciating experience.
One of the biggest shadows looming over my life the last two years has been my most recent heartbreak. As I wrote about in previous blogs, I was in a relationship with someone I was convinced was the love of my life. However, years of unaddressed insecurities and other demons led to me making some decisions that led to the implosion of that relationship. What makes that situation the most sad is that I know without a doubt that it was real and genuine love. This girl really truly loved me. However, I could not bring myself to believe it. I didn’t believe it so much so that I went FAR out of my way to prove I was unlovable. I made unfair assumptions, held onto the past, and showered her with unfair judgments that essentially made her life within the relationship unbearable. This will forever be one of my greatest regrets...however everything happens for a reason.
Upon quarantine-enforced reflection, I realize that one of the biggest reasons I acted this way was because I did not love myself. I did not hold myself to the convictions that I claimed to value and only I knew that. Therefore, I never saw myself deserving of love. So when my significant other showed me love, there was no way I could believe it. In this hotel room, I realized if I don’t learn to love myself and hold myself accountable to be the person I am setting out to be, then I will continue to deflect that in all my relationships. By that I mean I will continue to tell myself that I am not good enough even when I find someone who thinks the world of me. Affirmation from others means nothing when you have no sense of pride or love in the existence of the being that you are. I was reassured countless times that I was loved in my last relationship, but I didn’t believe it. How could I? Only I knew the darkness inside myself and I hated it. I was incapable of loving myself because I was too lazy to do the work to see that I was worth loving. Mix that with being in a romantic relationship and I now see I was putting my partner through hell. What makes it worse was that I projected that negative view of myself onto the other person. I assumed the worst in every situation because I knew that I viewed myself that way. I thought because I knew deep down I’d act a certain way when nobody was looking…that my partner was sure to do the same. The way I treated my partner was the way I actually believed I deserved to be treated. So I was shown love, but I saw it as fake and unbelievable. How could you love me? Don’t you know how broken and unworthy I am? Clearly, you must be lying.
I was gaslighting the love of my life. I was taking the worst and most rotten parts of myself and interjecting them into her life. I was sick. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I had no sense of awareness. And although it was the worst pain of my life, I’m glad I was exposed, that she wised up, and that the relationship imploded right in my face.
My initial instinct was to be a victim after this happened. I feel it’s easy to be a victim. I have a theory that all of us kind of like being in that role. It helps get rid of responsibility. It helps us procrastinate the healing process because the healing process is disgustingly difficult. If you don’t love yourself think about how horrid it would be to be locked up with nobody but that disgusting person you see yourself as. I remember the day I broke my ex’s heart. I remember it vividly. Her sister who I also loved very much sent me a text that day. It read:
“Unfortunately your words are now empty and hold no weight. It hurts me to see you on a path to become the man you swore you would never be. Please don’t reach out to me, my sister, or anyone else in my family as you have already caused enough hurt and pain.”
Now at first, I thought wow, that was harsh. I showed some friends and was affirmed in that. And truthfully it was harsh. However, that didn’t diminish from the truth that the statement held. You see, I initially played victim to hide from the truth and reality that that text presented. That text called me out and suggested I had work to do. I didn’t want to do it. I subconsciously knew that if that text was true, that I had to rewrite my entire being. That’s a lot of work. Who likes to do that much work? But when I dropped the victim mentality I was able to realize that truth could help me become the person I claimed I wanted to be. Her words were spot on and, although they hurt like hell, they eventually became my greatest motivator. However, this ended up leading to my next big problem that the quarantine helped me to realize...
Brene Brown wrote that “disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment”. I had fallen into another sad state the last few months because a fairy tale that I had made up in my mind did not come true. I thought if I had healed and done the work and was able to show that to the world, then things might still have a chance to turn out the ways I always had hoped for. However, that’s not how life works. That’s not how God works. God doesn’t move in your life to meet your expectations, God moves in your life to shape you into the person who can more readily spread His love and advance His kingdom. My expectations must align more with his and I must learn to hold more loosely to my own. Sure I still care deeply for my ex and her family, but true love is committing to having the desire that they be happy and that God’s will unfold exactly how He wants it in their lives. I thought if I healed I would have another shot. I had reached out over and over, however incessant reaching out was still only serving to me. No matter how righteous I made it seem. It took me far too long to realize that and I still need to put it completely into practice.
After pondering on these thoughts for a few days, the quarantine led to a larger scale realization. When are we going to realize that most of the problems we have with others are actually problems that we have with ourselves? When will we realize that everyone is struggling and that everyone needs compassion? We can rationalize as much as we want. We can make the most logical list in our heads about how people deserve to be treated. However, if that treatment doesn’t include love, then we are doing something wrong. The problems we have with the world and society that shape the way we treat our neighbors actually start to be addressed when we look at where they come from internally. That person may not be as screwed up as the mindset and the perspective we are currently carrying says they are. When love and compassion outweigh judgment and “logic”...progress can be made.
What God is withholding from us is intended to give a more abundant life. If God gave me something that I convinced myself would make me happy, what good would that do for me? My dependence would be placed on sinful creation rather than the Divine Creator. Essentially this would only set me up for further disaster.
You see, our concept of worth is quite twisted. I had fallen into another state of slight depression the last few months because I was feeling worthless. Worthless because the healing I had done didn’t turn me into a person that could win back the love and affection that I was desperate for. I thought that I had done all this healing for no reason. I was looking for the storybook ending that I had created in my own mind. But after this time of reflection, I realize that maybe worthlessness is something we are supposed to feel when we seek worth from places we are not supposed to. Insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results. My whole life I have aimed to be fulfilled by a loving relationship that wouldn’t abandon me. Maybe I was experiencing yet another example of abandonment in my life with the end goal to be my sights readjusted on God. I actually know that is exactly what God was doing.
In a way, I feel this quarantine was completely warranted. I may not have had Covid, but I had a different type of virus. A lack of self-awareness. If God didn’t lock me up in this room I could have continued to spread it to so many others. And I’m not saying I won’t ever get “sick” again, but by being more mindful I can isolate, heal, and then re-insert.
The point of this novel is to emphasize that true healing must be done for yourself and yourself alone. This world provides so many avenues of distraction and our sinful nature allows us to easily see what we want to see when we want to see it. Sure I had committed to healing, but I was never able to see that my motives were skewed. I adjusted my mindset and changed habits, but I still found myself emotionally numb. I couldn’t figure out why until I was stripped of all distractions. Although that process truly hurt me and put me in a dark place, honest self-reflection and a readjustment to figuring out my “why” has essentially taken a weight off my shoulders. If I continue to pursue a life that entails my picture-perfect rather than God’s... I am going to continue to find myself heartbroken at the end of each day. My desires must fall more in line with God’s desires. A letting go of my picture-perfect is necessary because as Brene Brown mentioned, those expectations can lead to heartbreaking disappointment. As much as we as humans would love to exercise control, the truth is that God has the only clear view of our future and what true picture-perfect looks like.
Life really is a journey. To those hurt, disappointed, and let down along the way...I can honestly say that it wasn’t done purposefully and I am sorry. I know that a vice grip on my storybook ending motivated me to make poor decisions just like a desire for control in our lives fuels most of us. We always have the choice to live for something bigger, we just have to allow ourselves to realize that what WE want can actually be limiting to the blessings that God’s great plan has waiting for us and wants us to experience.
That’s all I gotta say about that. (Forrest Gump voice)