I have been competitive my whole life. Some of the people closest to me would argue that I may have even been BORN competitive (hard-headed and stubborn go along with that as well) and that it truly was just part of my DNA. No matter what it was, I had to win. It didn’t matter if it was a race, debate, or a school test, I would take any and all measures to ensure Caelan was #1. I loved that I was built this way. It seemed to make anything and everything fun in my eyes. I convinced myself that I thrived under pressure and competition always brought out the best in me and everyone else around me.
Now, this came with both positives and negatives. On one side, I got praise and affirmation from coaches and some friends. On the other side, I had my entire family and some other close friends who HATED to do anything competitive with me. The people who had a problem with my competitiveness LOVED to see me lose. It was not abnormal for me to feel like everyone at a family gathering was cheering against me to lose at a game of darts or cornhole. This maybe should have opened my eyes to the fact that my competitiveness could have been a problem...however, this ended up fueling my fire even more. It was a vicious cycle. It was me against the world and I embraced being the villain. I would talk trash like crazy. I would gloat whenever I won. And, of course, I would have the most logical excuse if I ever actually did end up losing. At the end of the day, I was always fighting to be the winner, to control my own narrative, to achieve some sort of security that I thought could only be found in being “good” at everything I did...I HAD to win. But, when winning is your only option, anxiety finds a way to make a grand entrance into your life.
I have a belief that everyone in this world is pursuing LOVE and ACCEPTANCE in some capacity. Whether it is to be accepted and praised by the masses, or just to be respected for wanting to be left alone. I truly believe that everyone is seeking the comfort of being recognized and respected for who they truly are. However, the same competitiveness that I started talking about with this post makes this journey for love and acceptance a bit interesting in the world we live in. Our culture has allowed most of us to believe that you can only be successful if you achieve how the world deems it satisfactory. By this, I mean that success is of course measured by status, wealth, fame, etc. In essence, our world has created a space in which we are competing for our love and acceptance. So if someone truly loves to write, the only way to be deemed a successful writer is to put out a book that is a New York Times bestseller. Or if you want to be recognized as an athlete, the amount of work and dedication you apply means nothing unless you make it to the highest level. This view naturally leaves people crippled -- too scared to even make an attempt at their dreams because the journey is unrealistic just to be relevant. Maybe not everyone feels this way, but this is definitely how I was conditioned to think.
When I was a young boy I had a falling out with my father. My dad battled with drug addiction. When I found out, I put him in a position to choose between a relationship with me or a continued relationship with the drugs of his choice. My dad chose drugs. The way I saw it...I lost. I wasn’t good enough for my dad and if that choice were a competition, drugs blew me out by 20 points and I got sent home humiliated.
(Disclaimer: My dad and I have recently reconciled. I recognize that my dad, like everyone else in this world, was trying to figure out his place in the world when we had our falling out. My dad is a human being and he made a mistake just like we all do. My dad never wanted to hurt me, but he was at a place in his life where he had not experienced enough growth to think outside of his own reality. I forgive him fully and love my father very much.)
This loss took my competitive nature to a whole new level and my pursuit for love and acceptance took a very unhealthy turn. I felt it was my responsibility to earn love. I thought that if I could perform at a high enough level, then I could control and dictate the kind of love and acceptance I SHOULD experience from others. I thought that I could only live the life I always dreamed of if I was relevant enough to do so. I thought that I could only be with the girl of my dreams if I had a cool enough life or enough money in my bank account. Upon reflection, I have recognized that my whole life I was competing for purpose, and furthermore, I realized that this is how my battle with anxiety really started.
The most obvious area of my life that this affected was my romantic relationships. I met my first love when I attended Biola University as a new Christian. She was a very pretty and a very sweet girl; I knew I wanted to date her immediately. Sure enough, we were dating within the first semester of school and in my mind it made sense. I was a new Christian. I was living well. I was on the basketball team. I was seemingly doing good in life so of course, I would have a great girlfriend. However, life happens and people change along with their interests and that relationship came to an end by her decision. Due to my unhealthy outlook on how I could earn love and acceptance, this decision made no sense and it turned my life upside down. I essentially believed that I would not be fully happy unless I got back together with this girl. We ended up being on and off for years and I found myself filling my life with bad habits and bad life decisions. I did nothing to address the anxiety and emptiness I was feeling inside and my focus turned to become the best basketball player I could be in order to win her back. That is how skewed my view of the world was. If I could become relevant enough, she would want me back. I ended up doing pretty good in college and even got the chance to go pro. Now she would want me back for sure. I reached out, we started talking, things seemed to be going great…..and then boom she told me she didn’t want to be with me again. Now I think the cycle would have continued with me trying to achieve more in order to be worthy enough or earn her attention back….but she ended up winning The Bachelor and that was a significant enough experience for me to realize that “yaaaa this one is probably not gonna work out.” However, that was not because I realized my self-worth, it was simply because I did not have the confidence that I could achieve at that high of a level to catch her interest again. She was too famous now...way too far out of my league.
With this unhealthy mindset, of course my pain would continue. I ended up meeting an amazing girl and we had an amazing relationship until these same insecurities caught up to me again and the relationship blew up in my face. At this point, I was 28 years old and I felt like a complete failure. I spent so much of my life trying to earn the love and acceptance of just a couple people that I completely lost sight of my identity. I hit a rock bottom. I felt like I had no direction and I felt like I had nothing else to offer anyone. I contemplated suicide. I was exhausted. From the time my dad chose drugs instead of me all the way up to this point, I was essentially done trying because I chose to participate in a competition that I could never win. I believe that many people have felt this way at some point in their life. We have all played victim and have looked to blame things out of our control for the lack of happiness in our lives.
“I’m not pretty enough, I’m not rich enough, I don’t have enough followers….I am simply not good enough. Other people are so lucky, they have it so easy, if only I had this then everything else would be okay.”
Again, I could be speaking for myself but maybe you have felt this way to some capacity in your own life. I believe this is why we encounter so many people with gifts and passions that go unused because they don’t have the confidence or peace of mind to pursue their dreams head-on. Our culture leads us to believe we have to compete for a purpose, that we have to compete in order to be relevant, and that we have to compete in order to be “special” enough to impact the world.
Now it took me about a year of self-reflection, meditation, and growth to get to this point...but here is what I believe: We are not competing to have a purpose. God does not only allow the well-known to impact the world. Be comfortable being you. Accept being you. THRIVE being you. You are one of one. There is only one you and YOU can impact the world. Just don’t let it crush your spirit if impacting the world doesn’t look the way that culture dictates that it should. The followers, the money, and the clout are great in their own rights, but they aren’t what is most important. Some of us just aren’t called for that and true growth and happiness can be found when we acknowledge that that is OKAY. You can change one person's life throughout your entire time here on Earth. That person can touch 3 people's lives during their lifetime. Of those 3, maybe only one more person gets encouraged or impacted as a result. But maybe, just maybe that one person ends up being the one to make a HUGE impact and change the world as we know it today. And guess what, it all started with YOU. So stop competing by the world's standards. Follow your dreams and your passions at a pace you feel good about. Stop performing for the world and recognize that you are the only you that exists. Be proud of it and find confidence in it. It may not result in money or fame, but those things are fleeting anyway. Be you. I promise if you do it and pursue that to the best of your ability, you’ll make the impact you were created to make and find true happiness along the way.
Now to be clear, I am not condemning competitiveness or competition. I think that part of my personality allowed me to experience things in life that I now cherish and will always feel fond about. But we do need to have discernment when it comes to competing for our purpose. Let’s not put ourselves in a position where we are playing a game we can not win. So many of us create personal hell for ourselves by letting culture or what is seen as “normal” dictate how we measure success or relevance. When it comes to purpose, competing with anyone other than ourselves oftentimes draws far more negatives than positives. We are each made so uniquely and there is so much fruit to be found in being true to ourselves.
EVERYTHING has a purpose. Even my bout with anxiety, depression, and suicide led me to a place where I was forced to grow and eventually develop a heart for loving others and a desire to impact the world through kindness. It is the reason why I am even writing this blog. I want to create connection. Nobody is going through this crazy life alone, we all deal with the same hardships in our quest for love and acceptance no matter how different they may appear. Let’s eliminate the stigma that we can’t express how down we are feeling if we aren’t “going through enough.” Even in that realm, it seems as if we don't feel like our hardships can be vocalized because “someone else has it worse.” But the truth is, we all live in our own reality and all of our pains are equally valid. In the same way, we can experience a miracle and change how we view life with a simple change in perspective. Nobody is going to have an identical road as me, but maybe sharing and connecting can lead to figuring out what initial steps can be taken. Who knows! But I can assure you that you will never find out if you never try. So let’s have some discernment about competition, especially when it comes to fearlessly being who you are. Compete against your last best effort. Sometimes you will fall short but that’s okay, we are all human. Pick yourself up and try again each day that you are blessed to experience.
And that’s all I got to say about that. (Forrest Gump voice)
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