I have to admit, I don’t think I ever thought that I would have stuck with this blog thing long enough to be writing even just my third post...but here we are! I actually couldn’t be happier about it and I am so thankful for everyone who has sent supportive and encouraging messages along the way. The fact that I am surprised at myself for sticking with this passion project is actually what inspired the writing for this post. This is the first creative venture that I have ever stuck with, and it is actually a little bit sad to think it took me 29 years to see something like this through.
From the time we are little, we all go through our days with BIG dreams. Whether it was pretending to be a king or queen of a kingdom, playing basketball and taking the last shot just like Kobe, or even just acting like an adult with an established job and nice car...we all have dreamed big. The younger we are, the bolder those dreams are as well. However, as we grow older, we tend to keep some of those bigger dreams to ourselves. We go from being the King of the World, to being President of the United States, to CEO of a company, and then somehow to just someone who has a job that pays the bills. I know some people have dreamed big and continued to dream big their whole lives, but I am an example of a kid who let insecurity consistently get a louder voice in his life until I believed I was never destined for anything great. “Amazing things are meant for those chosen people, not me. The special and gifted people do stuff like that, definitely not me”. This is what I always used to tell myself not even realizing I struggled with negative self-image and terrible self-talk. In my experience, I started to feel a little dumb for my dreams, almost as if I didn’t deserve to be that ridiculous even if I was playing make-believe.
I remember when I was in middle school and I wanted to play the guitar. I loved music and the thought of being able to play such a cool instrument had me buzzing! I begged and begged for a guitar until I was actually gifted a really nice one. I spent hours printing out guitar tabs and learning the super simple version of popular songs. I loved learning and I was convinced I was going to be a solid guitar player. But then I signed up for guitar class at school. Some kids were at my level, but most of them were far advanced. I began to compare myself to those kids. At first, it fueled me to get better, but the thought of my classmates hearing me practice beginner-level chords and struggle drove me nuts. I began to dread going to class. I was so down on myself for not being good that I started to just play the victim. “These kids are better because they have played since they were little. Their parents cared more to get them started younger. It’s not fair, but whatever.” This talk continued in my head until I eventually just gave up. I started giving the bare minimum of effort, finished the class, and then I never played guitar seriously again. The crazy part of all of this is that NOBODY said anything negative to me about my abilities. I convinced myself I was lousy and gave up ALL on my own. I developed a fear of failure that paralyzed me from even trying. I was my own worst enemy.
Now I know the story above is a common story of a young kid who gave up a hobby quickly, but I truly believe that this pattern continued in my life many times. Whether it be the way I dress, the music I like, or the things I enjoyed doing...I always felt as if I was worried about what other people would think. It would consume my thoughts so much that I would talk myself out of things before ever receiving negative feedback at all. The thought of being criticized scared me out of being myself. I was lost in regards to just being myself, and this truly did lead to negative consequences down the road. It 100 percent contributed to my mental health struggle throughout 2020.
The biggest success of my healing journey was giving myself the love and acceptance I had always craved. I realized that I needed to stop constantly punishing myself for the times I fell short. My self-talk went from “You are a loser, Caelan. He/She is way better than you. You messed up, you don’t deserve that. No wonder she doesn’t want to be with you” to “You’re trying your best, Caelan. You made a mistake, but you just weren’t in the right place yet to handle that better. Next time you will do better. I am proud of myself”. This change sparked something inside of me to just be true to who I was. I spent so much time living for others, that I had no idea who I actually was. I was completely unauthentic and that invited A LOT of anxious and depressing thoughts. I have found that being truly known is the greatest feeling in the world. To know that someone knows you inside and out and loves you anyway.
If I had recognized this earlier maybe I would still be playing the guitar haha. However, I have realized it just wasn’t the right time. Thankfully this time in my life was when I was supposed to develop the self-love I always should have had in order to write this blog and become an advocate for mental health awareness. When I set out to write this I truly only did it to create connection. When I was in my darkest place and feeling like I wanted to end it all, I know it would have helped me to have someone share that they had been there or just understood. I felt like I didn’t want to burden people with my problems so I was reluctant to share. But now that I am in a good place mentally, I realize that this passion project needed to be pursued full-heartedly. Sure I don’t get as many likes or comments as I used to, but now I am posting about something I care about and that I know can change lives. Here is a message I got that has already made my time blogging worth every second...
“Lol so this will be long, buuut…so many times back then, I constantly questioned why things were happening to me and what I did to deserve it all. Truthfully I kept sabotaging all my personal relationships because I always expected people to leave anyways because that’s what I got used to and I always blamed myself for not being good enough. I overcompensated constantly and overdid it trying to do the most for people because I constantly thought I had to earn their friendship everyday…but it just ended up pushing people away faster because it was suffocating to them. My identity lied in the people I surrounded myself with, and once they left me, I had NO idea who I was or what to do next. Took a lot of growing to finally learn a healthy balance. I know it’s not EXACTLY what you went through, but I wholeheartedly empathize with your story because I experienced some of those same emotions. When I ultimately was so alone with seemingly no one after things went south a few years ago, I too fell into a bad depression, and had battled with suicidal thoughts and even some (thankfully) failed attempts…which no one knows about to this day because I was ashamed and still am a little bit. I felt like God took everything and everyone I cared about away and I felt like what else do I have to live for? After metaphorically and sometimes literally falling to my knees and baring my soul to God…I started to notice those godwinks I mentioned awhile back. Little by little, He started piecing everything together for me and showing me why everything happened. He HAD to take everything away from me to put me back on track with His plan for my life. Like you, I also thought I’d have a house and family by 30. I had my own timeline but failed to recognize that He has his own. That also caused me a lot of anxiety because I felt like I wasn’t hitting the right milestones at the right times. With so many of my friends already being married and having kids, it still sometimes gives me anxiety that I’m not there yet, but I always find peace in knowing all things happen in His time. With that said, I did finally become a homeowner last year…at 31. A little later than I planned, but it was the perfect time for it and I felt it throughout the process. That’s something I would’ve never attained with my old life had He not shaken it all up completely for me. I was barely making $30K a year and was going out and getting hammered 4 nights a week back then. I look back at it all and completely understand why everything had to happen and hurt as bad as it did. If it didn’t destroy me, I wouldn’t have fallen to my knees, desperate for Him to save me from it all. If it didn’t hurt as bad as it did, I would’ve stayed doing what I was doing with my life. The discomfort had to overwhelm me to get me away from the comfort of the path I was on that wasn’t necessarily the right path. I see now why the pain was necessary. He’s never trying to punish us by allowing us to get hurt. I feel like He uses our pain to help us draw closer to Him to be able to get the life and the happiness He always wanted for us. I know this was A LOT to read, but I felt compelled to share it with you because I see your journey and I want you to know you’re not alone with what you’re going through. Again, it’s not the exact same thing I went through, but I understand you and I’m so happy to see where it’s taken you and where it’s taking you. Weird coming from a stranger who barely knows you and you know nothing about, I know. But I genuinely mean that. You sharing your story WILL change someone’s life who happens to read your words. I guarantee it. I know the old me would’ve felt seen, thus giving me hope. The me today is still gaining much from your words because it does remind me of my own experiences and reminds me that we are not alone. It reminds me that we are human, and that we do have so much more to live for. As I said with the first blog, I look forward to cheering you on along the way. I shared my fave verse yesterday, so today I’ll leave you with lyrics that often serve as an “A-Haaaa You Right” moment…in ‘Life Changes’ Thomas Rhett sings “you never know what’s gonna happen. You make your plans and you hear God laughing…” always remember when things don’t go YOUR way, it’s probably because He’s got something better for us instead. Take care and I look forward to the next blog!”
The woman who wrote this asked that I keep her name private, but I truly could not be more grateful for her words. Others have reached out as well and my heart is full from all that kindness. But this is what I want more of. I want this to be a place where people can feel heard and seen even through reading a post. I hope this can be a place where people feel encouraged to be their true selves. I hope we can all begin to realize that things we have been taught throughout our lives by society are not always “truth”. Success, happiness, beauty, etc. are all different experiences and perceptions for different people. Be true to who you are and I believe you will find the true meaning of all those things.
To be fully known is to be fully loved. To be fully known you must be vulnerable. I recently heard that vulnerability is the highest form of courage and I totally agree. A lot of people will see vulnerability as weakness, but I was my weakest when I was my least vulnerable. I was a slave to other people’s opinions, I was posting my pictures hoping/praying for likes, I was completely unhappy. I was miserable because I felt nobody loved the real me, but I wasn’t even aware of who the real me was....so how could I blame them? If you feel the same way, I encourage you to start looking for someone you can show the real you. Even if it means looking in the mirror and admitting some hard things to yourself first. I think you will be surprised at how many people are going to love your authentic self.
You are not alone. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you are during a dark time, I promise you are not alone. As human beings, we are all trying to navigate through this crazy world. Some days we do it better than others, but sometimes we don't. Sometimes we need help, and that's okay. Vulnerability leads to connection and connection can help us out of our most difficult times. Don't let the voice in your head keep you from experiencing love and connection. Have the courage to be vulnerable enough to allow yourself to live your best life. It will not only bless you but also everyone else that you come in contact with...and that is the best part.
That’s all I gotta say about that. (Forrest Gump voice)
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