A huge reason I started this blog was because I wanted to promote vulnerability and relatability in an effort to create community. Well, today I am going to practice what I preach and get transparent with y’all.
I had a topic in mind this week and I began to write about it a few days ago. I had a lot going on this week and I knew that I would have to accomplish a little bit of this blog day by day to get it done when I wanted it to be. I was probably more than halfway through the blog when I realized I didn’t like the flow or the way it sounded at all. I felt an immediate sense of insecurity and frustration. “I can’t post this, it sucks. There is no flow and nobody is going to like it”. I started to feel the pressure. I thought about not posting a blog for the sake of preserving the positive feedback I have gotten so far. Then I thought that if I stopped posting for one week, it would become a habit and I would lose my discipline. Something I was so passionate about just a few weeks ago could potentially be in jeopardy. I was flustered. I started looking through my archives of past writing for something to post just for the sake of posting. Some of the things I found would have worked, but they seemed outdated. If I posted about something from that time of my life I wouldn’t be genuine in my current feelings. How authentic would that be? Posting some old homework to complete a current assignment. I found myself in a tough spot, I felt the buzz of anxiety taking over my body. How could something that was so therapeutic to me be causing me so much grief?
Then I had a lightbulb moment. I realized I had allowed myself to fall back into an old and familiar toxic pattern of mine. I was seeking control instead of authenticity, I was letting expectations cause uneasiness in my heart. I realized I felt confined by the illusionary standards of the world that we all seem to struggle with. I was feeling tension because I was living by standards that truly weren’t my own. I realized that I had to practice what I preach and take a deep breath...I was creating all of the tension in my own life. So here I am writing like I am talking to you right in front of my face. I have compassion for myself. Not everything is going to be perfect. Everything doesn’t always go exactly how you planned or the way you would have wanted it to...and that’s more than okay. Life is good. We are blessed. We are EXACTLY where we are supposed to be.
Do you see aspects of this in your own life? If you do, I wanted to share about a mindset that has worked for me. I am not perfect at it, and I still fall short, but in regards to living presently and lovingly it has always seemed to help on my mental health journey:
Embrace uncertainty and let the answer of “I don’t know” be a statement of empowerment.
I have found in my life that people are always chasing, or at least that was always the case for me. I have a theory that this chase begins as soon as we are born. Newborn babies cry out for comfort and nourishment right off the bat. Little humans are reliant on their parents or some authority figure from the time they are toddlers until they can live fully on their own or even sometimes until adulthood. The thing that is being chased in almost every case is security. Love, acceptance, shelter, money, etc. Then in adulthood, the provision of that responsibility of security leaves the parents or authority figure and can be found in relationships, work, hobbies, and a plethora of other things. Some of these things are healthy, and other things maybe not so much. However, the consistent quality in all of these things is the ability they have to contribute to our identity and make us feel secure.
This is where things can get dicey. This is where we can cling to control and security and let that dictate our overall outlook on life. This is where people can begin to measure how “good” or “bad” their life is. This is where habits can be formed that can lead to an eventual downward spiral in one’s life. However...this is also where embracing uncertainty and using “I don’t know” as a statement of empowerment can bring positivity to your life and outlook.
When we are let down, we usually always have someone or something to blame. Whether it be someone else or ourselves...“this didn’t work out because he said she said or x, y, and z”. Due to our inherent draw to control the narratives of our lives, we approach nearly everything with expectations. Expectations of how things should be or shouldn’t be, expectations of how someone should or shouldn’t treat you, expectations of any kind if you really think about it. Now when we place expectations we are exercising our desire for control.
Try to stay with me here. We tend to make internal agreements hundreds to thousands of times a day. “If I do x and y...then z will follow”. Just like that example, sometimes it makes perfect sense. However, what happens when I do x and y and then it is followed by “t”? For me, I would get pissed haha. I would not accept it. I would pout. I would make a big deal. I would selfishly make any situation about me because x and y are not followed by t. Everybody knows that. However, if that is just how it is for any given situation...then there is nothing I can do about it.
I try to apply this to everyday life with small and unfortunate circumstances that I used to let affect my days. For example, I recently got a ticket for an illegal turn-off of Pacific Coast Highway. To be honest, I had no idea I was making an illegal turn but I apparently turned and crossed a double white line which is a big no-no. I understand PCH is a busy highway, but there were no clear signs and I may have made that turn a time or two in the past already haha. I made the turn incredibly safely with no worry of an accident and pulled into the parking lot. I drove past the first stop sign where a cop was waiting and boom, on went the lights. My stomach sunk as it always would when being pulled over and I immediately started to think of what I could have done wrong. The only logical thing was the turn and I started to realize where I could have done wrong. I spoke to the cop very calmly and he explained what I did wrong. After he told me what I did wrong, I admitted guilt to what he described but I explained I truly did not know a turn wasn’t allowed and boldly asked to be let off with a warning. The cop came back with a ticket. Now back in the day, I would have been upset. I would have blamed an unreasonable cop and I would have thought about the fine I had to pay and the traffic school I would have to complete. It would have ruined my day and possibly even the next couple of days. In my mind, I was honest and explained a genuine accident. “I didn’t mean to break the law, nobody got hurt, I cooperated, and I clearly and respectfully explained my actions. There is no way I should get in trouble for my behavior.” If x and y...then z will follow. However, I was truthful and honest and polite….but I still got a ticket. It didn’t matter what I believed to be right, but it only mattered what was. I didn’t put up resistance, I accepted what had happened and believed it was the only outcome that made sense despite my old expectations. I went into the situation embracing the uncertainty of the outcome. This helped tremendously when I found myself present with the bad news. Yes it was unfortunate, but what would getting angry or pouting about the situation change about the outcome that I was presented with?
This same thinking can be applied to more weighty situations such as personal relationships. Whether it be with friends, family, or significant others there is no telling how a person will act or respond to you on any given day because we are such sporadic creatures. Sometimes we go out of our way to show kindness and find ourselves upset when it is not received as we anticipated. We then get upset at that person or try to find the fault in them, but this can be avoided with the embracement of uncertainty. We never know how any situation will unfold no matter what. The less tightly we hold to the desire to see our expectations become reality, the more freedom and presence we can experience. If an end result was expected, was your giving of kindness truly genuine in the first place?
This thinking can be applied in so many other aspects of life as well. Maybe you aren’t exactly where you want to be career-wise. There is nothing wrong with answering what your next steps are with “I don’t know”. Now, this doesn’t mean you get to be lazy and something will just fall into your lap. But earnestly pursue finding what makes you happy and try your best to do what you can each day to make small steps towards that end goal. There is no telling what opportunity will present itself that will more closely allow you to be living your dream. When we cling to set outcomes and expectations, we limit the daily blessings that can point us to truly be happy. If you can embrace the unknown and be fully in the “now”, the possibilities of happiness to enter your life grow exponentially. I believe that we tend to be too small-minded about what great things can happen in our lives. It is stressful to only see happiness in what you can imagine, but it can make you feel at ease to always try your best with what life/God presents to you in the moment.
Furthermore, maybe there are situations or relationships that you thought could no longer be salvaged or repaired. We put some past traumas in a box and write them off as finished because a different outcome seems too unrealistic. However, with an approach of uncertainty, you remove the limits you once placed on a hopeless situation. When you believe that love is more important than ego, you make it possible for a miracle to occur. A change in perspective, an embracing of uncertainty, and some surrender to what “is” instead of what “you want to be” can open up your life in the most positive of ways.
Embrace uncertainty...especially if you are having trouble finding happiness in what you believe "should be".
And that’s all I gotta say about that. (Forrest Gump voice)
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