I remember the month when I would wake up between 3 and 4 in the morning with my entire body tingling with anxiety. I remember the despair I felt as I reached for my phone to check what time it actually was before doing my usual social media check (which had seemingly become a reflex). I remember setting down the phone to try and sleep again only to toss and turn for hours. I remember how the frustration would begin with the situation at hand, but then would slowly turn to me telling myself I deserve this. I remember going into detail about how if I had just done life differently, if I wasn’t so stupid or selfish, I wouldn’t be in the situation that I was in. I remember instinctively picking up the phone yet again for another social media check...nothing had changed, but it was almost as if I wanted to remind myself of my misery in the midst of it all. I remember when the sun would begin to peak through the blinds. I remember telling myself that if I could just get up and start my day right then, that I wouldn’t be such a piece of shit. I remember the stress I felt when I would realize that even if I got out of bed, I didn’t have anyone to see or anything to do. I remember then allowing myself to get comfortable...not to sleep, but just to wait. I remember finally hearing back from a friend, or finding something to do, and sitting up to put my feet on the floor. I remember how I was able to feel my exhaustion before even fully leaving my bed. I then remember convincing myself that I would never experience happiness like I had in the past ever again...
That is how I started my days in one of the toughest stretches of my 2020. You could probably understand why I developed a habit against saying “good” morning during this phase of my life lol. However, the good news is that I find myself reminiscing about these things because I am so incredibly grateful to feel the joy that I do today. To be completely honest, even typing out the feelings that came with those dark times gives me joy.
As I have learned to be more of an observer of my thoughts and emotions, I have also picked up how to be an observer with my memories. When I became able to reminisce on the past and not be flooded with emotions, I started to realize that came with huge benefits. Typically when I would think about the past, I would be hit with negative emotions whether the memory I was thinking of was good or bad. If a memory was good I would often long to experience it again or allow myself to believe I had done something wrong to not be currently experiencing happiness like that. If a memory was bad I would often let those old and vibrant emotions get the best of me. Negative self-talk would ensue and I would believe that I was still that same version of myself that I was not fond of. However, being able to reflect on both good and bad memories, without the influx of emotion, has allowed me to have more understanding. Now, when I remember things from the past...I remember to have compassion. Compassion for me and for others.
Through learning to reflect and remembering to have compassion, thinking about my past now enhances my present joy. Had I not experienced those horrid mornings, I would not have made the changes in my daily life that have led to the progress I have experienced. Unless you can remember where you started, you really can’t fully appreciate how far you have come. By reflecting on past events that you may normally feel regret thinking about, you can more easily find joy in the present where you have outgrown that former version of yourself.
This leads you to have compassion for yourself and others from your past. With a reflective approach, you are able to separate yourself from the person you were and the things you did in your past. In my journey, I had a tendency to think I was always a product of the mistakes I made. I was never able to let them go and when I was reminded of the past I let myself believe that I was still that same person. I believed better times would come when I could prove to others that I had changed. Whether it be people I disappointed or just society in general, I was looking for outside affirmation to confirm I was being a decent person. However, after experiencing all the real healing that I have and will continue to do, I see that version of myself was just doing the best he could at the time. I know that that version of myself was not maliciously trying to hurt people. He had a lot of things going on internally, and he, unfortunately, was not in a place to love others well when he couldn’t even love himself. Hell, he had never even loved himself up to that point. What is important about this view is that I have compassion for that less-grown version of myself. I used to reminisce and wish that that version of myself could have been better or have done x,y, and z differently. It was this thinking that prolonged my suffering.
Compassion for others now kicks in when you are able to be real with this approach. With an objective reflection, I was able to see that the people I hurt in my past were entitled to have the reactions and opinions of me that they did. At first, I would allow myself to play the victim and I expected forgiveness because I was genuinely sorry. I grew bitter because I let myself believe they were in the wrong and I was in the right. However, by being able to reflect and have compassion, I am more aware and sensitive to other’s realities over my own. In the same way, I never meant to hurt others, the people who I hurt were simply trying to take care of themselves. They weren’t being malicious, they just did the best they could at that time. If they did do something malicious, that is okay too. Just like myself, they weren’t grown enough at that time to handle the situation in a better way. I was able to then find forgiveness from myself and realize that is most important. Forgiveness from others is a blessing, but because it is not yours to control, you can not count on it for your personal healing.
With this approach, I was more clearly able to see that everyone is just doing the best they can. If someone wrongs me, I immediately tell myself that person is just confused. The compassion I have for the less-grown version of myself allows me to realize they may even be far less confused than I used to be. The cycle of lovelessness will not stop until someone chooses to show BIG love. By BIG love I mean Jesus-type love. A love that doesn’t always make sense and a love that takes a BIG amount of compassion.
So my encouragement in this post is to become an observer of memory. Allow yourself to think on hard times to simply see the person you once were. Observe the confusion you once sat in and recognize all the growth that version of you has yet to experience. Then allow yourself to realize that you exist in everyone around you. Just like yourself, everyone who surrounds you is on a journey. Some have experienced pain and trauma just like you. The others have experienced pain and trauma in other forms. At the end of the day...it's the same pain and trauma. Just remember to have compassion.
I remember thinking there was no way I would ever experience happiness like I did in the past. Today I am grateful that I was wrong.
And that’s all I gotta say about that. (Forrest Gump voice)
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