Have you ever caught yourself chasing a feeling? Sometimes I feel like when I am having a GREAT day or night I start to realize how precious it is in the moment. Then I recognize I don’t want to ever forget about it and somehow I store that “feeling” of being there in my memory. The memory is so strong I can almost feel the same emotions if I focus on it long enough. Tastes, smells, colors, time of year...I seem to remember it all.
One example of this was when my basketball team won the league championship on my senior night back in college. I couldn’t sleep the night before this big game and I remember how it was seemingly the only thing that mattered in my entire life throughout that gameday. A win would give our team a storybook ending to a miraculous regular season, and a loss would seemingly have made everything up to that point mean nothing. There was a lot at stake. Long story short, we ended up winning the game. The entire student body rushed the court. There was a moment of pure bliss and euphoria. I left the frenzy that was happening at center court to run up in the stands and give my mom and grandma a hug. It had been a looong journey for me, and nobody quite understood it like the three of us. That night, and the feelings I felt as a result, will never be forgotten. I remember the way my facial muscles were sore from smiling so big and so much. I remember how exhausted my body felt after the game. I remember the tears in my mom’s eyes as I hugged her and got her black long-sleeved shirt damp from my sweat. I remember exactly how the crowd sounded as they watched my teammates and I cut down that hard earned championship net. However, no matter how vividly I can remember those things...it isn’t quite the same as experiencing them the night they happened.
I remember pursuing championships at the pro level and the details of those memories served as fuel to get there. I ended up winning a regular-season championship as a pro...but, unfortunately, the feeling wasn’t quite the same. I remember as the time ticked down in that game I thought to myself, “Here it comes. Here comes that feeling”. Sure enough, the feeling came, and it was nice, but it wasn’t the same at all. I walked out of that arena still knowing I would be chasing that feeling. Now as I have stepped away from basketball, I can admit that I never experienced that feeling again throughout my playing career.
I believe a lot of us have experienced this kind of “feeling” chasing in our lives. Whether it be through career, friendships, relationships, religion, etc… we are convinced that that “good” feeling can be obtained and experienced again. Sometimes we are able to replicate something close to it, other times we fall short, and sometimes we create a new “good” feeling that we decide we like even better. Today I am writing this post to share how I was able to re-experience a feeling that helped me through one of the darkest times of my mental health struggle, and it turned out to be a feeling I had been chasing for 29 years.
Nearly a year ago, when I was a couple of months into my healing journey, I was still incredibly fragile. Anxiety and depression ruled my days. I would wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning buzzing with anxiety. I could feel the pins and needles in my arms and legs. I had no chance at going back to sleep, however my depression wouldn’t allow me to get out of bed. I would stay in bed for hours running through painful experiences in my mind, filling myself with negative self-talk, and beating myself up for falling into the same daily cycle yet again. This phase of my life seemed to be going on for longer than I could take. I found myself trying my hardest to distract myself and pass time in any way I could. One way I did this was by driving aimlessly along the coast in Orange county. As funny as that sounds, this got me out of my apartment and the focus it took to drive was enough to alleviate a tiny bit of the anxiety.
One day while I was driving, my mentor contacted me. He let me know he was close by for a business meeting and he wanted me to come see him. I knew that when I walked into the house he was in for his meeting that he could feel how bad my energy and overall psyche was. He sat me down and we exchanged some small talk for a bit. Then, when I was giving him an answer about something unimportant, he surprised me and firmly grabbed me by the back of my neck. He essentially forced me to make eye contact with him. I found myself trying to avoid it, but when I finally gave in and was looking him in his eyes he told me, “Caelan, I got you. I am so proud of you. I love you”. I was overcome with emotions and began to cry. Those words made me feel something that I seemed to have longed for. He made me feel safe and loved, and I appreciated that beyond what words could explain. It was a great moment for me, but like so many other feelings before...it faded. I got back to my days and slowly started to make progress. However, I thought about the feeling that day gave me often and aimed to replicate it as I continued to get into a better mental headspace. I felt like sometimes I would get close, but I was never able to recreate what I felt even when I would talk to my mentor about it.
Fast forward a little bit...
This past weekend I was fortunate enough to attend a retreat with a company called Change Your Algorithm. Change Your Algorithm is a company that provides free mental health and wellness classes online in order to create community and help give a resource for people struggling with their mental health. The founder of the company is truly amazing and the retreat served as a thank you to people who he felt were instrumental in the growth and continuing mission of the company. I was beyond grateful to spend the weekend overlooking the ocean on the coast of one of the most beautiful areas of Southern California.
The retreat was made up of a group of 8 and was one of the safest spaces I have ever been a part of. Every single person involved was not only concerned about treating others with kindness and respect but they also were focused on treating themselves with the same intention as well. It was an environment of healing to the fullest extent, the vibe and the energy were perfect. Throughout the retreat the 8 of us participated in group exercises, meditations, yoga, and other forms of self-care. Each person brought a great deal of respect and vulnerability to every activity which created a strong bond and allowed for incredible personal experiences. In a matter of 3 days, 7 strangers became close friends and people I will cheer on for the rest of my life.
On the second morning of the retreat, I experienced my most impactful moment of the weekend and maybe even my entire life. The founder of Change Your Algorithm is named Joel, and he planned all the activities for the retreat. This morning, Joel was going to lead us through a group meditation. Joel informed us that the meditation was going to be an inner child meditation. I had never done a meditation like this before, but I was just excited to clear my mind and be present as is the norm with any other meditation I had experienced before. I truly was not expecting what was about to happen.
Joel started the meditation by having us focus on our breathing and eased us into a space of presence. Laying down on a yoga mat for the meditation, I felt incredibly relaxed and entered a headspace of complete awareness. Joel then prompted us to envision our “happy place” when we were a child. At first, I had a hard time with this. I was unable to come up with a specific location that lined up with what Joel was talking about. However, I figured it out eventually as I started to envision myself as a young boy on my Grandma’s lap. As my best friend for my whole life, this was where I felt the safest and most loved growing up. It was surprising to me how easy it was to see this scene from a third-party perspective even though the little boy was in fact me. It brought me a lot of happiness to envision that time with my grandma.
Then Joel prompted us to isolate the inner child we were envisioning and ask him how he was. I was immediately filled with sadness because although the child put on a happy smile, he looked stressed and anxious. I could recognize it because I knew the feelings so well. My inner child looked exhausted and honestly a little bit scared. He was so young, but he was concerned about earning his love and acceptance. It brought me back to memories where I would stress myself out over grades and performance in EVERY facet of my life. Because of my falling out with my father and other experiences I had growing up, I thought that I had to earn all the affection I could. The world seemed so simple to me as a kid...if someone was loved or admired it was because they earned it. If someone was alone or sad, they just didn’t deserve otherwise. I was so hard on myself, and for the first time I could observe what it looked like to see a young boy be so concerned that someone he loved or admired could leave him at any moment.
I was then prompted to give my inner child some advice or encouragement. This is when I began to weep. I was flooded with emotion because I knew exactly what to do. I put my hand firmly behind that young boy’s neck and I forced him to look me in the eyes. I wanted so badly for him to feel seen. When his eyes finally locked with mine I told him, “Caelan, I got you. I am so proud of you. I love you. I GOT you”. I continued to stare into his eyes. Slowly, he acknowledged my words and I could feel that he genuinely believed me. He smiled. A genuine one. Not one that was forced to cover his pain or his worry. He didn’t say anything in response. He gently moved my hand from behind his neck and he ran off to go play. I could see a huge weight was taken from him. I could tell that he finally felt free to be himself and that that alone was enough for him to be loved and accepted. He felt the ultimate sense of security. A weight felt like it had been lifted from me as well, I began to weep even more.
The feeling that I got when my mentor told me those words was just a small taste of the huge potential they carried if I were able to give them to myself. For 29 years I was never able to show myself that level of kindness. For 29 years I battled insecurity, jealousy, worry, and pain because I was ALWAYS chasing. I was chasing after feelings and things that I never realized would have given me NOTHING if I never gave them to myself first. The reason I clung so hard to relationships was because I relied on them to give me a sense of security and identity. The reason I was so hard on myself all these years was because I created a narrative that someone or something would eventually fulfill me. However, I never stopped to give myself some love or encouragement. I was the only person on Earth who understood the struggle and hardships I had been through. I was the only person who knew how hard I tried and all the work I put in just to try and please others, yet I chose to always be my biggest critic.
It is crazy to realize how easy it is to be unkind to ourselves. We would never go out in public and tell other people what we tell ourselves when we look in a mirror or make a simple mistake. “I’m fat. I’m ugly. My nose looks big. My mouth is weird. I’m so dumb. I suck.” We all have our own set of self perceived “flaws” we love to remind ourselves of. However, our thoughts show that we do in fact care and it would make our day for someone else to tell us otherwise. And that is the problem right there...we chase after what we OWE ourselves. We chase after things and try to earn things that we actually DESERVE already. Maybe I am speaking for myself, but this was exactly the case for me. When I was able to see myself as the young kid I once was, I lost all ability to be cruel to myself with the awareness that I now possess. After 29 years I was finally able to give myself the words that I always longed for, but from a different source. It has brought me healing that I will never lose sight of or chase after again.
You can not accept what does not exist. If you crave love, acceptance, success...you have to give it to yourself in order to know and feel it as it is intended. If it does not exist inside you first, any other form from which it comes will be foreign and eventually unfulfilling. You will find yourself chasing a feeling or an experience that simply does not exist.
So if you’re struggling or going through a hard time, I would love to tell you:
I got you. I am so proud of you. I love you.
However, I can promise you that those words will mean more if you can genuinely say them to yourself.
And that’s all I gotta say about that. (Forrest Gump voice)
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