In the summer of 2020, I was legitimately struggling to make it through my days. I was so stressed out and riddled with anxiety that I could barely sleep, eat, workout, or do anything productive. I was a wreck. I truly had never felt so emotionally fragile and, for someone who was always known as a confident person, it took a toll on me physically and mentally.
A therapist had suggested I try out meditation. Although I shook my head in agreement, no part of me wanted to commit to staying still and breathing when all I felt I wanted to do was move and get my mind off of all the negative thoughts I was having. “Close your eyes and take some deep breaths....yeah that’s really gonna help me, genius”...these were the thoughts I was unfairly thinking while the therapist was just trying to help. I continued on struggling through my days when a close friend of mine suggested trying out meditation as well. The suggestions happened too close together for me to ignore, so I felt my hand was forced. That night I went home and bought the full version of the headspace app. I knew if I didn’t purchase it, I wouldn’t use it and there would be no chance of me giving this a fair shot.
The first couple weeks I thought meditation was the dumbest thing in the world. There I was constantly feeling stressed and anxious, only to sit down to meditate and feel the exact same...but the only difference was my eyes were closed. I started to get down on myself for not being good at it and I talked with my mentor about it. He suggested that we do a meditation called the “Twin Heart” together. This was the best decision I could have made because doing the meditation with a friend showed me the intent and mindset necessary to get the benefits out of the practice. My whole life I had been a problem solver or a runner. If there was a problem it needed to be fixed and if it couldn’t be fixed, it had to be abandoned and forgotten about. However, I came to learn that meditation is not about running from or changing your negative thoughts, but rather learning how to separate ourselves from the emotions they bring and be an objective observer of them. The peace that meditation brings an anxious mind is that of being present. There is a recognition of acceptance for all things just the way they are instead of the way we wish for them to be. During the Twin Heart meditation, the narrator said a phrase a few times that has stuck with me until this day… “So be it”. My life had felt a little crazy, full of hardship, full of heartache, and negativity; but this phrase gave me peace. In life we could dwell on all the things that haven’t gone our way and play victim, or we could grow and thrive in acceptance and always make the most of where we are at. Things are the way they are… “so be it”.
As I started to practice meditation the right way, I began to see that most of the tension I was feeling in my life was created by me. I had a huge inability to be present. I was either feeling sad and depressed about the past, or I was anxious about what the future held. I allowed our culture, media, and social media to lead me to believe that I was not where I was “supposed” to be at 28 years old. I had just ruined a “perfect” relationship, I no longer had identity through basketball or a 9 to 5 career, and I was far from reaching my goals of a house and family before 30 which I allowed myself to be a measure of if I was successful or not. I had NO control which is something I thought always brought me comfort. However, I realized I was never happy with that control I thought I had before. I actually came to realize that the control that I desired never felt right to begin with because it was never mine to have. The best picture that I could give you was that I was acting as the main character of my own personal movie. This is fine, however I was also treating myself as the main character of other people’s personal movies as well. Not only was this selfish and delusional of me, but it led me to take EVERYTHING very personally and it heavily contributed to the personal “hell” that I was creating for myself. I had to learn to let go of that desire for control and to see life for what it was instead of what I thought it should be.
Acceptance of what is, is true freedom and the ability to change your perspective about anything is a miracle. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that there are no accidents in this world. When I look back on the hardest time of my life, I realize now that ALL of those hardships were things that HAD to happen in order for me to grow the way I was supposed to. I HAD to have abandonment issues stemming from my relationship with my father, I HAD to have a 5 year on and off relationship that came to and end on a national scale, and I HAD to love someone so deeply that the pain from the breakup would lead me to question my identity and purpose in life. If we can step away from a victim mindset where we question the “why” all the time, and step into a mindset of acceptance where we LOOK for the “why”...our hard times will often get a little easier.
Even as someone who talks about a newfound joy in his life...who says you never have to be sad? Some seasons just have to be embraced. Some hardships are actually just beautiful opportunities to grow. Can you accept that even if it’s not what you want? Instant gratification leads us to believe we should get everything how we want it and when we want it. We truly are a spoiled generation. For me personally, I would pursue one venture to the next just because I was chasing “good” feelings. I was never truly chasing growth by any means and that is what led to my rock bottom back in 2020. I expected perfect results when my whole life I had been conditioned by mediocre preparation. How was I ever supposed to be prepared for a healthy relationship without putting in the work? The falling out I had with my father never was addressed. I never went to therapy or talked about how it made me feel. Instead I partied, drank, smoked, and pursued women. Sure I learned manners and became a decent person in other’s eyes along the way, but as soon as I would enter into relationships the toxicity would begin to pour out. I expected great when all I had done was prepare for failure.
I needed to take responsibility for all those hard feelings rather than just sweeping them under the rug. As I have mentioned, a lot of us take the victim approach and say that our lives aren’t the way they should be because we didn’t get the chance or the opportunity others did. “I can’t do this because of x, y, and z.” We fall into this trap that we can’t pursue our dreams because we haven’t had enough good fortune fall into our lap. We hate on the success of people who we believe are successful because of clout or relevance, but at the end of the day we might be the people that care most about those trivial things. I could be wrong, but I’m just speaking from my own personal experience.
I truly believe that happiness can be found in presence. Invest where you are wanted. Invest where you are loved. You can’t go back and change the things that got you to the place you are at right now, but you can make the most of the cards that you have been dealt. A friend of mine used to say that “God has every particle of dust right where he wants it”. That sounds great, yes I believe in a sovereign God...but did I actually believe it? As funny as it is to say, it takes quite a bit of humility to recognize that you aren’t God lol.
So let’s try and be present, yeah? Don’t pout because you are accomplishing something 5 years later than you originally thought you would. Who’s timeline are you living by? You are the one making a personal choice to create tension in your life by buying into that. There is no perfect or objectively correct timeline. Everyone is on a different path and learns things at their own pace. You can be 35 having your first kid and buying your first home, don’t create tension in your own life by wishing it happened at 25. This applies to any and all situations or circumstances in life. Be present, be accepting, be happy. Stop taking things so personally.
If you are reading this right now, I can confidently tell you that you are undefeated at waking up the next day. So think back on your worst days and worst times of your life. The days where you were the most stressed and anxious, the seasons where you really felt like your whole world was coming to an end. You survived those. You woke up the next day and the day after that. I relate this to heartbreak. Your circumstances may not have changed, but your level of acceptance each following day has. It is okay that it takes time. We have this idea that we can love so hard and then get over someone as quickly as it takes to swipe right on a dating app. That simply is not true. When you are in the midst of heartbreak it is okay to feel it. We want to feel better so much that we condemn having bad days. However those bad days are also healing ones to be embraced and sat in. They teach your heart that it is okay to love openly, but loving the wrong person more than yourself will leave you with consequences. You build your capacity to love yourself by using that pain to create boundaries for the next special person to walk into your life. You grow and develop discernment. You grow and develop acceptance. Acceptance that one day someone is going to want all of who you truly are. Then you will be in a place where you are emotionally aware and grown enough to not be the reason a relationship comes to an end. Then you can fully accept yourself and realize that the perfect match for you will only need the quality of actually wanting you back and choosing you for all you are. Your type will change, or at least the order of importance on your dating checklist will.
Tying this all back haha...meditation taught me to be aware. I began to recognize bad feelings and accept them for what they were. I started to feel them in a healthy way and to be in control of how they affected my actions. Panic and anxiety will make you act irritable or ungrateful if you aren’t familiar with them but, if you know exactly what their faces look like and have hung out with them a few times, their unknowns no longer dictate how you get to feel or treat others throughout a day. So let’s not practice meditation or other tools to gain awareness ONLY when we are in the midst of struggle. If you only meditate when you are overwhelmed with anxiety then it will never work as it should. However if we can prepare for success by being consistent and diligent with the practice, then when adversity hits we will be ready to thrive.
I always had this huge dream to change the world. As I started getting older I started to feel more insignificant because of the lack of progress I had made. However, when I stopped basing my reality off of the standards of the world, I realized I am much closer than I thought. Every person lives in their own reality, or their own little world you could say. If I can impact one person, then I can check changing the world off my list. This realization only came when I developed a more present mind. Presence and perspective truly are gifts!
So yeah I will leave you with this...once again, you are undefeated at waking up the next day. Your growth is measured by the amount of acceptance you have given to the circumstances that made you feel like you wouldn’t make it. So if you resonate with this post, just know you’re killing it! But we all have room to grow…
That’s all I gotta say about that. (Forrest Gump voice)
Kommentare